My Expressions of Love
by Nayunari 'Ayu' Tsuki
Summary: LelouchXvarious. Told from his POV.-I knew I loved someone when I had caused them irreparable pain. I was a monster, incapable of love. Even so, that didn't stop others from loving me.


**Hello all! It's Nayunari 'Ayu' Tsuki. I'm showing you I'm not dead, especially not in my love for Code Geass. I haven't updated anything in months. I'm so sorry. I've recently been working with my fellow authoress AlThr33 on a Ouran fic and I hadn't thought twice of my other fics. Forgive me, please.**

**I felt like writing something romantic and dark at the same time. I've only written in first person for Tamaki, but I wanna see, how would I sound like Lelouch? I've done something like that before, if you want me to post it, but it's really short. Just let me know w**

**Anyway, like I said, it's pretty dark. I just felt the need to write about CG all of a sudden. I think it's pretty deep, if you ask me. I wanted to see if I can still think/sound like Lulu. So with that, enjoy!**

**Oh yeah, there are pairings implied to heavily implied here. In order, it's LuluKallen (not a heavy shipper of this), LuluEuphie (not actual love, because I don't really ship Britcest between Lulu and any of his siblings), LuluShirley (One of my fave boyxgirl pairings in CG), LuluC.C. (My other fave boyxgirl pairing in CG), LuluNuna (see LuluEuphie comment), and LuluSuzy (because I couldn't resist).**

**~BREAK~**

It seemed that whether or not I could admit to it, I loved some people. Other than the ones I had known. I knew because I caused them irreparable pain.

I think I loved Kallen.

She was the most dependable Black Knight, aside from C.C. She was as loyal to me as a servant was to their master. That seemed to be the relationship we had.

I had made her cry so many times, although most of those times I never witnessed. I embarrassed her to no end, and any close contact would turn her redder than her hair. I know she loved me.

Our final goodbye...I wish it hadn't come so soon. I almost wish our kiss had lasted longer. Then, however, it would've hurt the situation even more.

In my final hour, even from yards away, I could see the hurt and pain dancing in those softened eyes of yours.

It's very possible that I loved Euphie.

I had even said such to myself. Your pain was most irreparable.

I didn't mean to mislead you. I never meant to take you from reputable to hated in a few hours. It was beyond my control. So I had to stop you.

I killed you.

It was the only way I could stop the beautiful monster I had created. So I drew my gun and shot you, with tears in my eyes and tears forming in yours. It took away a good shred of my sanity.

You were an angel. You were the only one in my family that still accepted me despite the fact I was disowned. I was the one who tainted you. I caused you the most irreparable pain there was.

Death.

I would've changed nothing about you. If it hadn't been for my accursed power, you'd still be here. You had the best life ahead of you, and yet I tarnished that.

I had to have loved Shirley.

If that 'brother' of mine hadn't shot you, you'd be here too. I could have seen us being together as friends or even more. I would've liked that.

They say 'guns don't kill people, people kill people'. Obviously that's not true. Like a person throwing a bullet could do much than startle someone.

I was the one in pain that time. I was in so much denial. It hurt to see you bleed. It hurt to see you slipping away.

It hurt even more to see you at peace.

I was only hurting myself trying to keep you alive. I wasn't thinking, for once. I had already used Geass on you. We both knew Geass and how it didn't work twice. It didn't stop me from trying.

You said you'd love me every time we encountered each other, even in different lives. I think I'd feel the same.

We only shared one kiss, and it was involuntary. It was as blurry as the rain around us. I can barely remember. What I do remember didn't last very long.

I caused you pain with the death of your father, and it took you long to realize that. Even then, your heart couldn't turn away from me. It was admirable.

You caused me pain by leaving me forever. You were such an angel, we'd never see each other again even if I were to really die.

I involuntarily loved C.C.

She's all I have now, anyway. I could confide in her and trust her not to speak of it again. She's accompanied me through my powerful existence to even this point, where I'm dead to the world.

I don't know how she feels. At this point, I'd be surprised if she were truly capable of an emotion that weren't somewhat condescending. Even if it's not directed towards me, her amusement is nearly sadistic.

If nothing else, she's a valuable asset. If it weren't for her, I would have died long ago. An actual death.

She has stolen numerous kisses from me. I'd have enjoyed them if I had time to absorb them. She was always surprising.

Although she was practically incapable of showing it, I knew she was hurt. I couldn't grant her wish. Then again, I'm glad I didn't. We can spend immortality together. She most likely approves.

I think despite her past, she just hated being alone. Not much else would haunt her.

I can't fathom when. I fell in love with her and I can't remember when. I don't know how either. It couldn't have been the kissing. It couldn't have been the bonds. I don't know. Maybe we are just chained together by fate.

I loved Nunally very much.

This I knew, and I didn't need to reinforce it. I loved her more than the average brother could. I dedicated Zero's existence solely to her.

Or, at least, I had.

Blinded, crippled, and orphaned at a young age. I was also orphaned, because I would never claim that being as anything related to me. However, she had the physical pain as well as the emotional pain.

How Nunally could stay optimistic the entire time, I will never understand. I showed that my past upset me.

Dear sister, I am sorry I caused you pain. It was wrong of me for the first thing for you to see in years being your tyrannical and megalomaniac of a brother under the guise of helping you. I was helping you.

Along the way it just turned selfish.

I'm sorry the last thing you saw of me was me turning pale and lifeless before you. If I hadn't made such a demon of myself, I could have spent more time with you.

That's not what happened. I died before your newly reopened eyes. The last thing they did in front of me was water. I'm terribly ashamed to have been the cause.

I'm sorry. You didn't even get to see your other friend because of my thoughtless order. I just hope Suzaku is protecting you.

Suzaku...Apparently I loved him.

I must have. I caused him the worst pain.

The pain of losing a friend. By your own hand.

I knew that my planned and calculated death would hurt everyone. People that didn't know and the one person that did. It hurt the latter more. He knew the future, and he had more time to hurt.

Of any person I wasn't related to, we had the fondest memories together. He stuck with me longer than most of my family did. That takes true kindness.

I killed the once pure relationship we had.

We were the best of friends. I still think we are. We had to rebuild the bond though. It soured the instance you began to loathe Zero. You hated me without knowing for a good while.

Then when I shot Euphie, it shredded the last thread that was keeping us friends and only friends.

You shot me in my mask, splitting it. It was the only cover I had to keep the unfulfilled suspicions at bay. But when the blood trickled down my forehead, it left a chill only bested by your icy glare.

I remembered the suspicion you showed me even when I didn't remember my tyrannical ways. You monitored me intensely, not letting your guard down once.

I'm sure you hated me for a long time. Naturally. I killed the girl you loved, along with numerous other innocent people. You, in turn, sold me out to the Emperor. Your best friend.

When I handed you the Zero mask, I could see you were deep in thought even as you responded to my orders. You must have been thinking about whether you'd go through with it.

That was where the pain kicked in. You had wielded the sword that pierced through my stomach and made me bleed to death. I gave you my final order weakly, and I considered our last contact a friendly embrace. Who cared that I was bleeding to an unrealistic death? This was my last act of humanity. I was glad to have shared it with you, my friend.

If I had to rate who I loved on the pain I caused them, I loved you the most.

**~End~**

**I am so sleepy. I didn't wanna sleep until I got done. And now I have. At almost 4 am (would be 3 without DS time). Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't take me this long to write such a short oneshot. I just felt like finishing.**

**Geez, I tried to limit how much I wrote for Suzaku, but I had nearly a page dedicated to him.**

**I'm tired, so I won't say much. I'm not proofreading this. If I have any mistakes, forgive me.**


End file.
